Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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