just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
