Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
