I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
