my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Watching her eat just hurts me
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize