I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
