Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
sarcasm needs its own font
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
