Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
