I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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