you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
where are you?
Hypothermia
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
