so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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