I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm really busy with my period
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