Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
