She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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