I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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