Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
