I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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