I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize