if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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