I think I won the penis lottery.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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