she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
