someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She told me I should be a condom model.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
