When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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