I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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