i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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