it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
