Jerry, you need to find god
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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