I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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