I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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