come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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