I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
