I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
