So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize