I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
