I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
