if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
