I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
wat bout pragnant strippers??
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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