Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
