May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
