also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize