I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize