why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
