Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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