Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
