According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
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