Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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