My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Come see our sink grown plant.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
