Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
