if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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