mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
