I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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