I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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