Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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