I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
