bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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