i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
