So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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